It's in the Vapors

I just laid Keilana down to sleep. She has croup, as with many childhood illnesses there is not certain why to figure out how she got it. She doesn't go to daycare, or nursery at church and for the most part doesn't travel in shopping carts touching unsantized areas. Due to my lack of knowledge in medicine, I am blessed to be surrounded by other mothers and nurses to who I can call upon in time like this.

I am constantly in awe of how each of my children have this special place in my heart that neither one can overshadow the other. As I was holding her in the bathroom with the hot shower on full blast and we just sat in the steam, I thought how my life has changed in 24 months. Many people say that they can't imagine their life before kids. I can't phathom what I would be doing if I hadn't of had Rico, but I can imagine what I would be doing if Keilana had not be born. Is it wrong? I don't know, I love her and I wouldn't change a thing now, but I had plans for Rico and I to travel and explore the world. For now it is put on hold, but now we have a bigger destiny and that is watch a little girl grow into a young lady and then a grown woman. We can provide her with unconditional love and support and even teasing and overbearing gestures.

Keilana will know that she is loved.

As I type and watch her sleep next to the Vicks Vapors Humidifier (that I robbed Peter the car insurance to purchase), I realize that there is nothing that I wouldn't do for her, nothing that I wouldn't sacrifice. Whether is is smooth edges due to the steam from sitting next to a hot shower, or 10 points for turning in homework late because she wants to lay on her mommy, or gas in my car because she has medical needs. For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him will not perish, but have everlasting life. (John 3:16) I am grateful that my Father put my needs before His own, knowing I needed salvation and guidance. I can truly understand My Father's love for me.

I am about to go in and check on my 1st baby and make sure he is not smothering himself under the covers and once I am satisfied that each is comfortable and snuggled in his or my bed, then I too will turn out the lights and go into my own dreamland.
I just had a thought that brought a smile to my face. Both of my children would go to sleep to this song as I stroked there hair...thank goodness they weren't twins...LOL

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky...
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are.


Goodnight, sweet dreams.

SNAP SNAP

I am definitely not a poet, but poetry is defined as an imaginative awareness of experience expressed through meaning, sound, and rhythmic language choices so as to evoke an emotional response. (www.contemporarylit.about.com)

I hurt
The tears are flowing freely
Make up is not waterproof
No expression – be strong
No warm feeling - look intently
Keep it on the surface
Proud and scared
In shock, in admiration
Missing
Loving
You

With Fresh Eyes

I am taking this straight from the Upper Room devotional…

I opened Grandma’s blinds to get more light into the room. She never remembered to open them. Since moving into the dementia-care unit, she had become more and more forgetful. I was sad to see her slipping away.
One day we sat at her table, putting together a child’s jigsaw puzzle. I had brought her flowers, and each time she looked up, she saw the flowers as if for the first time and asked me who brought them. When I saw her look up from the puzzle yet again, I got ready to quash my annoyance at the question I knew was coming. “Well, look what someone brought!” Grandma said with pleased surprise. Then she added, “What a beautiful day this is!”
I felt my breath catch in my throat. Grandma was remembering something I had forgotten: the beauty of what God has made. What I saw earlier as sad I now as amazing: a woman seeing things with fresh eyes, eyes that did not take for granted “the ordinary.” It was as if I suddenly sensed God’s abundance where I had expected only loss. Grandma gave me a glimpse of the God who dwells in those corners of life that we might call “empty,” the God who moves in darkness as well as in the light, blessing us all.
Prayer: Show us (me), O God, how to live in your light, even in the dark places. Amen.

My sister is leaving as I am writing this on her way to our birthplace in Maryland. I am deeply saddened by her departure, but in the deepest part of my heart I know she is free. And she told me she was how she felt relief and no more pressure. I guess that old adage – “you never know what you had until it is gone” is so true. I have never really had great relationships since the beginning of my life. As a parent I have learned to cultivate those with my children and be close to them and love on them every chance possible. So now that I am just getting used to this sisterly thing – it is gone. I know me probably being quite dramatic, but when you realize all the things that you miss out on when you don’t have relationships and then you get a taste of them; it is hard to let go.

I had a shoulder to cry on, a big sister to learn from, deep belly laughs and every once in awhile eyes that were in awe of me. I know those things aren’t gone, but they sure are a lot farther than the 13th Street bridge.
She looks so good and the inner strength that she knew was there has surfaced and she is so much stronger for herself and her kids.

~Dianne, I hope you can finally say that you are where you belong. I know the stars are in your favor – God lined them up just that way. I love you more than I could probably ever express (you know it is in the genes). Be safe and I will see you soon. Hugs! So I promise now to stop crying (well give me about 10 minutes) and be strong and hold down the fort here. For I know the plans that God has for you, to prosper you…Continue to look up, your head has been down too long!
LIVE…LAUGH…LOVE

A new place in my heart...

I don't know if I am allowed to do this, but I found some of the blog accounts of the 30 children who visited South Africa and became Global Ambassadors of their community through the outreach of the Journey for Change Program.

The tears that well up in my eyes from reading their posts is hard to control, not from sadness, but for the overwhelming feeling of knowing that these kids get it. I don't know what the lasting impact of this opportunity will be, but the possibilities are endless.

In reference to We Are All The Same by Jim Wooten, a known author who wrote a book inspired by Nkosi Johnson, a boy who died at the age of twelve and only weighed twenty pounds. He had the AIDS virus which he had from birth. His mom died when Nkosi was only two years old. He also had a lot going on in his life, and at age eleven he spoke at an International Conference on AIDS held in Durban, South Africa. Well, Nkosi as a young child impacted a person like me at age 14. That he inspired me to talk about him many years later after he passed is a great thing for me. Nkosi Johnson mentions that, “We are all human beings. We are normal… We can walk. We can talk. We have needs, just like everyone else… we are the same.” I also think that any child with AIDS should always live a healthy life and people in general should always: “Treat everyone the same as they would like to be treated.” That’s my favorite saying.- Latoya Massie, 14

Today was a very good day. First, we went to church, which was very inspirational. At first I was not happy about going to church, but then when I heard my favorite song I was as happy as ever. Then after a few songs it got boring. I think it’s because I don’t go to church so I don’t know what church is about.- Vandesha Walker, 12

I will be in college in five years studying culinary arts and business. In ten years, I will be running my own restaurant and starting a family hopefully living in the suburbs. I want four kids and to travel the world. I want to take my family to Hawaii. I will do an open kitchen at my restaurant every Friday night and people who are hungry can come and eat.
-Wayne Phillips, 15

As a Journey for Change Global Ambassador, it has been an honor to serve others globally and locally. My mom and dad always remind me that we are living for the sake of others. I have learned the true meaning of the word compassion. There are many people who perform acts of kindness to feel better about themselves or just to say that they have done a good deed for the day. That’s not compassion. We do acts of kindness because we see a need and want to see that the need is met. That is true compassion and I think that is what Journey for Change is all about. I am grateful for the opportunity to serve our brothers and sisters at home and abroad.
–Joshua Hall, 15

Hi my name is Mariah C Ralph. I am 13 years old. I’ve been doing community service since I was 6 years old. I encourage people to do community service because it gives you this feeling… I can’t explain it. When you do community service for so long it becomes a natural habit. It’s going on 8 years that I’ve been doing community service in Manhattan. I love the thought of helping people who really need it. The most exciting community service or global service was when I went to South Africa. When we went shopping for that family who didn’t have anything I felt so good. I felt even better when I saw the grandmother’s face when we gave her the stuff. The best type of community service is when you go to orphanages and you know they haven’t been held in a while. To hold them and feel them grasp back is outstandingly breathtaking. They call you mommy because they don’t know any better and when you put them down because you have to leave it’s heart breaking. So I encourage community service because there are people out there who need more than just the latest phone. There are people who actually don’t need the newest pair of sneakers, but need a pair of sneakers. After I came back from South Africa I realized that I don’t need anything besides a roof over my head for shelter, people who love me, and food and water to survive.
–Mariah Ralph, 13

“I liked cleaning up the neighborhood –- sweeping it and picking up the garbage. I liked that people appreciated our efforts. It helps to communicate to everyone around that we care about our own environment and lives.”
-Sydney Smart, 12

“I learned a lot in Washington, D.C. I mostly enjoyed touring the colleges. At Howard University, I learned that the Power Tower Clock is the highest point in D.C., not the Washington Monument. I also learned that the chapel there is where Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X first met. There we also met with the University President’s wife and had a tour guided by some of the students who attend Howard. At Georgetown University I found out that they can actually pay your tuition for you. They also have cannons that are the only weapons that can point at the White House.
While we were in Washington we also met Congresswomen Maxine Waters and saw the work place of Barack Obama when he was a Senator. Besides that we did things that people would normally do when they visit Washington, D.C. like going to monuments and museums. We also had an excellent driver, Al. He informed us about many sites in D.C. that most likely we wouldn’t have noticed or known if he hadn’t told us.”
-Dasia Carr, 12

Me...Black in America

Last night I left the television on to fall asleep, thinking CNN would do the trick; the broadcast was on Black in America: 2 hosted by Soledad O’Brien.

The first story was about Malaak Compton-Rock and her program Journey for Change. She selects 30 kids ages 12 to 16 (middle-school to high-school) from Bushwick, Brooklyn, NY and travels with them to Africa so that they can see how other parts of the world live and become global citizens. It was a very moving story – highlighting 3 of the thirty children all with different obstacles and each making choices or the lack thereof to become a more influential member in their own lives. I cried as I watched and listened to their stories, as I saw the “homes” of the African people and my heart went out to the children who wanted to do some much for the families that had so little. I smiled at the young lady who became a voice for those who couldn’t speak and for the young man whose confidence was brought to new heights in a matter of days. And for the young man who has yet to understand his full potential my prayers are with him.

The second story highlighted a principal, Steve Perry, Hartford, Connecticut, who started a magnet school to ensure that one hundred percent of the students went on to attend college. He discussed the low parent involvement and how if he and the teachers didn’t show many times no one showed up for the kids. I cried and rejoiced with the young lady who was accepted to three different colleges after the emotional and personal rollercoaster her life had taken.

I didn’t grow up in the ghetto, we lived below the poverty line, but for most part we didn’t go to bed hungry and we had clothes to wear, nevertheless I felt emptiness as I was drawn into the broadcast. I didn’t participate in many extracurricular activities, I didn’t volunteer in my community, I didn’t know of anything that was going on outside of my “bubble.” I don’t like politics and prefer to immerse myself in a fictitious world when I can relax and unwind. I realized that I was raising my son to be the same way. I read in the paper about adolescents achieving awards and doing great acts of community service and wonder how did they get involved? I realized it was my responsibility to expose my children to things that I wasn’t exposed to. To broaden their horizons and let them know to reach for the farthest star because it is possible to grasp – the result – YOU ARE A SHOOTING STAR that someone can coming along and wish upon. As for my personal aspirations, I am thinking what I really want to be when I grow up; my legacy is not just left to my children, but to many people in the society who I can make an impact upon, just one small act at a time.

Hopefully, this is not just a phase and I can start by directing Rico’s path as he is reaching a milestone in his life and that Keilana will see this at a very young age and it become ingrained in her as she grows.

I am now seeing God’s vision for this world He created.

Lord, my heart is not proud,
Nor are my eyes haughty.
I do not pursue great things,
Nor matters too lofty for me.
Rather I have stilled my soul,
Calmed it like a hushed child.
Like a child in a mother’s arms,
So is my soul within me.
…from Psalm 131

WHY, WHY, WHY???

I haven't been feeling my perky self...well, if you know me, I am normally not perky, but at least cordial and have a radiant smile. *wink
I have had a lot of situations in which I could have posted on here, but time has never been on my side as of late.

Here is an email of questions as to why? that made me chuckle a little...hope it does more for you.

• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
  
• Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
  
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
  
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
  
• Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
  
• Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  
• Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
  
• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
  
• Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
  
• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
  
• Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
  
• Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
  
• Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
  
• How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
  
• When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
  
• Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
  
• In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
  
• How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
  

And my FAVORITE.......

• The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you..I KNOW IT IS ME!! lmbo!

****A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!****

No Title

I am very sad. My big sister, with whom I am just getting in a sisterly relationship, is making a wonderful decision to take control of her life, but I am sad. I am an emotional person, but I don’t like to show them in front of many people. I felt the pain rising in my heart and didn’t want to let the tears fall as she spoke about how she needed a change for herself and her kids. How I wished I had the guts that it takes to uproot from what you know, but knowing that the outcome far outweighs the alternative. I could hear the confidence in her voice as she talked about her plans and even in all of that she asked ME what I thought. She talked about how she is so proud of me for finishing and succeeding, but have I succeeded? I have achieved many great things, but SUCCESS I have yet to obtain. It has nothing to do with money or acclamations, more of a peace within that I know I am right where I am supposed to be. And maybe no one really obtains that feeling, but often than not, there are no regrets. I have regrets. I live in fear of the unknown and don’t want to step out to see if that ‘unknown’ thing could be just the thing I need to put me on the path that I am so sure I have strayed away from. I know God’s plan is always revealed, but never in the way that He intended, nor in the time frame He created, but after many loops, u-turns and uphill battles from the decisions we make – thinking they are for the best.

But this blog is not about me, it is about my oldest sister, who has taught me so many great things since we have recaptured our time together.

• A sister’s love is unconditional.


• It never hurts to smile and say good morning.


• Saying I love you is very important!


• Crying is ok.


• Ask for help.


• If your boyfriend/man is too good to be true, I will follow him for you.


• Some relationships will never be what you want, it is okay to let go.


• You may stumble and fall, but I will be there to sit next to you and pick you up when you are ready.


• Don’t lose yourself.


• Blood really is thicker than water – family ties are arteries of the heart – they are still there after we are gone.

Gosh, I am going to miss her! But I have never been past the Mason Dixon line. And I know her time has come to be happy and prosperous.
Okay so the tears are coming…gotta go!

I LOVE YOU, BIG SIS!! I AM SO VERY PROUD AND IN AWE OF YOU!!! *MUAH

My birthday 2006.

Cancerous...Remission...Totally Healing

I see a new day…a new moment…a new choice…a new thought…a new creation…a new opportunity…God sees me and loves me so much!(Thanks, Angie-FB)

So today I am not feeling so hot and it just goes to show you how fickle humans can be. Yesterday I seemed to be on “cloud Heaven” and presently I have let the Enemy steal my joy. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say this is my thorn and it is twisted a little bit and the wound has reopened. What I thought I had laid at the feet of Jesus, I had unconsciously picked it up and slipped it back into my knapsack of baggage that keeps “the monkey on my back.”
I received a new devotional from a very good friend called The Upper Room and today’s message was entitled, ‘What we need,’ how so very appropriate for just a time as this.
*heavy sigh
As I sit here writing this I think that my issue is far smaller than the things of this world such as the death of Pop Icon Michael Jackson (and in this I mean the loss of a child for the parents), the very public marital issues of SC Gov. Sanford and even more local issues of death at church and among friends, yet in still God sees it and it is very important to Him. And for that I am grateful.
No matter how prepared I think I am for a situation or how far I think I have overcome, I am learning somehow sadness will always invade my life even in my happiest moments. Learning to pray and truly give it over to the Lord needs to be my response because each and every time He already knows my need and how it will be used to for His edification. The devotional reminded me that God places people in our lives that are unfortunately going through a hard situation, but exhibit their faith and live joyfully, that the Word of God has stories to be used for inspiration and that family and friends are there to pray me through.
As the lady in the story, I pray for my deepest desire: a supernatural intervention in the life of a loved one. Instead He is showing me that it is my spirit that needs healing, doubt and fear need to be replaced with trust and peace.

Thought for the Day

“Whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.” (Romans 14:8)

In the Midst of it

Yesterday I missed my devotion time and I was truly in a funk for most of the day, but slowly around 11a I started to come alive. I am pretty sure it had nothing to do with the “nutritious” breakfast of a special K bar, yogurt and coffee. My brain just needed a little bit of time to warm up – it was Monday.
The devotion was entitled, “Waiting for the Rain,” mmm…how that just made my heart skip a beat. When I think of rain, I am usually not very excited unless I need to get some sleep; something about the sound of the rain makes me drift into a deep sleep. Anyway, the story started off about how this couple had been praying for job for the husband for two years. They felt as if their prayers were going unanswered, so in hopelessness and despair they stopping asking God for a job. The story then diverts to Elijah and the famine in the land of Samaria.

“In 1 Kings 18, after God, through Elijah, had defeated the prophets of Baal, Elijah began to pray for rain. Six times he petitioned God, six times the servant reported nothing, expectantly on the seventh plea, there was a cloud ‘as small as a man’s hand coming from the sea’. And it rained.”

My husband has been out of work for 11 months and needless to say we have felt the harsh reality of this economy. Recently he was called in for two interviews and we are still pending those responses, but in the midst of it all, I have had to keep a positive outlook for both us. He has been able to raise our daughter from the age of 7 months. They have this bond that may not have been established, if he had not been unemployed. She has learned to “dribble and shoot” basketball, dance to all genres of music, and wrestle. I have to remind him that one of his heart’s desires was to see all the little things he missed with his other daughter and God has provided that even though the road has been rough. In the midst of this I have learned that once again I am not in control of anything that I think I am and I have to fall on my face numerous times to ask God to forgive me for trying to sit in the driver’s seat.
It’s difficult to wait sometimes, especially when we are so desperate for His aid, His guidance, His answer. “Keep knocking, and the door will be opened to you” (Luke 11:9) Giving up, complaining, being angry – all these are just not options for us.

Let’s keep knocking on Heaven’s door, patiently waiting for our Father’s perfect plan, His perfect timing, to unfold. He is always working, always for our best.

Cherokee

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth...

Yesterday Keilana and I spent half of the day at the lake with other families and couples. Not to say that I didn't appreciate the moment as we were in it, but it was really on the way home that I began reflecting on our time together. As I was coming down Washington Road and saw the flashing lights at Pollards' Corner, I glanced back at my baby girl sleeping and thought how this time although she may not remember, I would.

We walked across sand, she had never touched before, toward the lake and it was evident that she was very excited to get in the water. She nor I were prepared for the rocks that were underneath the surface of the water. Once we were comfortable in the water, she didn't want to get out. I will know next time to bring some water shoes, beach chairs and extra towels so she can play in the sand. The sun shining down didn't seem to bother either of us.

I was really excited for her to take a boat ride. She willingly put on the lifevest, but quickly discovered that it inhibited her ability to move. Nonetheless, we made it into the boat and off we went. She totally loved it except for the wind blowing in her face. It was hiliarious!!!

Previously I was discussing with my husband that I wasn't sure what a girls' day was supposed to be with an 18 month old. As I thought about in the quiet of the car, I realized that as grown ups we try to make grand plans trying to "impress" our children with how cool a day we can have. It usually involves spending more money that we have and the children whining about how they didn't do everything they wanted to. Yesterday wasn't cost free due to gas, lunch and Capri Suns, but yet in still the time was priceless. Spending an afternoon together just enjoying God's creation of land, air, and lake was definitely a great memory and just a little bit of Heaven. on Earth.

Sentimental Value

As I am becoming more familiar (and addicted) to Facebook, it has become a sad realization that I have been stuck in my own little bubble. I could say that is because I became a parent early on and I had different priorities, but the realization is that I alienated myself because I felt that I didn’t fit in. I felt I needed to prove the negative connotations wrong and somehow my success would somehow vindicate those other young, single moms who had been stereotyped. As I am catching up with old classmates, I am seeing how many of them have been there for each other through various times in their lives, from marriages, birth of children, loss of family members and it makes me wonder how things could have been. All of my sacred moments didn’t go in vain, I shared them with the one that meant the most to me for whom I worked and struggled through tough times for – Rico, my son.

So today, I am going to dinner with friends to catch up with them and their lives and I am very excited; although it is due to a somber occasion. (My prayers are with Kaci and her family) I don’t take my experiences lightly and they have helped shaped my character, but somehow I feel as if a part of the real me is missing. I took on the world in an effort not to be a contributing statistic to the high school dropout rate or young, unwed mothers on welfare, but yet I know that even if I did add to those statistics, I would have still been ME. I understand now that pride should take a backseat sometimes, I understand that my weaknesses are usually someone else’s strengths, I understand in my attempt to be all that I could be and all many thought I could never be, I really never existed, I never found my place. I have to admit that it was very tiring to achieve all the things I thought would make me worthwhile in “somebody’s” eyes and now I am learning to do things that make me happy. We all know when ‘Mamas happy, everyone else is too’ *Smile.

It didn’t seem fitting until just now that I had skipped ahead to tomorrow’s devotional entitled, “Time to Talk.” It states how God is relational and created us to be in relationship with Him and others. Friendships are vital to our spiritual, mental, and emotional well-being. Both work and play can get in the way of maintaining those friendships. We need our friendships; making time to invest in them is wise.
Unlike the subject in the story, who had left her friends disappointed at the loss of camaraderie, I can say my friends’ and my conversation seemed to have picked up where they left off almost 12 years ago. I am truly blessed and I am humbled at the chance to reinvest in our friendships.
“Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their efforts” Ecclesiastes 4:9

This is an email that I received from my brother in-law...I hope you enjoy..*sigh



A little long but worth the read....



Puppy Size - This is one of the neatest stories you will ever hear. You will know precisely what this little girl is talking about at the end (you'll want to share this one with your loved ones and special friends)!



'Danielle keeps repeating it over and over again. We've been back to this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this,' the mother told the volunteer. 'What is it she keeps asking for?' the volunteer asked. 'Puppy size!' replied the mother. 'Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that's what she's looking for.' 'I know..... we have seen most of them, ' the mom said in frustration... Just then Danielle came walking into the office'Well, did you find one?' asked her mom.'No, not this time,' Danielle said with sadness in her voice. 'Can we come back on the weekend? 'The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed 'You never know when we will get more dogs. Unfortunately, there's always a supply,' the volunteer said.
Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. 'Don't worry, I'll find one this weekend,' she said. Over the next few days both Mom and Dad had long conversations with her. They both felt she was being too particular. 'It's this weekend or we're not looking any more,' Dad finally said in frustration. 'We don't want to hear anything more about puppy size, either,' Mom added. Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning... By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs. Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when visitors weren't permitted. Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one.One by one she said, 'Sorry, but you're not the one.' It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup. The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer. 'Mom, that's it! I found the right puppy! He's the one! I know it!' She screamed with joy. 'It's the puppy size!'' But it's the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks,' Mom said. 'No not size... The sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed,' she said. 'Don't you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!' The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of both. 'Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms,' she said. Then, holding the puppy up close to her face, she said, 'Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!'

Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that makes you sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day. They are the sighs of God. Take the time to stop and listen; you will be surprised at what you hear. 'Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.'I hope your life is filled with Sighs!!! Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few. Life is too short to wake up with regrets. Love the people who treat you right and forget about the ones who don't.





I Appreciate You!!

Facebook

Yesterday was a rather unproductive day, not because other people didn’t provide me the tools I needed to get work done, but because I was on the social networking site Facebook. Yes, I am admitting that I am addicted, not to the site itself, but to the ingenuity of the concept. I have “found” so many friends that I have lost touch with because life got in the way and now am able to keep up with current friends so the same thing doesn’t happen to us.
Isn’t technology great?!
Today’s devotional is called The Glory. It talks about how we have to endure suffering and afflictions so that God’s glory can be revealed. As I think about the ‘besties’ that I have reconnected with, I realize that my journey through life has brought me to this point of being able to share His goodness and to hear about how He has worked in the lives of my friends.

“Whatever our blindness ( as with the man born blind from birth who was given
sight-John 9:2) is, whatever our heartache is, when the final chapter closes on
our lives on this fallen earth, we will know that all the pain, the heartache,
the tears, the struggle, have been worth it.
When we ask, ‘Where’s God when
I’m hurting,’ we forget the amazing future reward He has promised. Not
only do we forget it, but we also underestimate it. We underestimate how
good the end of the story is really going to be.”

So no matter the decisions you have made and the obstacles that seem to be at every turn, don’t give up! Remember that what man meant for evil, God meant for good; there is a purpose. Hold onto His unfailing love, show the world He is the – I AM and when God rewards you, it will be far greater than anything this world has to offer.

Thank you that today I am filled with the joy that I didn’t know was coming and that the future is full of many things that I can’t phantom because if I could I might change some things that I think don’t ‘fit’ and I would miss all that You have for me.

“ ‘ For I know the plans I have for you’ – this is the Lord’s declaration – ‘plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope’” (Jeremiah 29:11)


Hold on He is not through yet!!

Nothing like affirmation...

The initial purpose of this blog was to … Not really sure what the main purpose was … maybe, to entertain someone with my half marathon training and just some miniscule reflection of the inner me while at the same not be boring and gauche, but yet witty and somewhat cultured.

In the midst of all that something else has occurred and it shouldn’t have taken something like a blog for me to realize it. I am praising the Lord and acknowledging His goodness, mercies and saving grace. His goodness comes in the form of my family – immediate and extended, work family and church family. And also those people that I just ‘pass’ through life with never really developing a relationship, but nonetheless we have an impact on each other in some form or fashion. His mercies are the things that are given to me though I don’t deserve them. His grace is shown by not punishing me for being disobedient, but continuing to bless me even in my selfishness.
To be honest, I haven’t been a regular attendant at church services and have felt that somehow I was letting down the Lord and all those that have been there for me. Dare I say I felt hypocritical? The forsaking of corporate fellowship can make a person a target for the enemy, but in my case it has made me a warrior for Christ. Not saying that I won’t get back on schedule, but in “doing all those ‘things’ for Christ”, I had forgotten just to BE IN CHRIST. If that makes any sense. I can’t remember a time that while I was attending regularly that I didn’t feel some sort of entitlement to His blessings and now that I am not among the masses, I am seeing that I don’t deserve anything, but that Lord is glad to bless me. I don’t have to EARN THE LOVE OF MY HEAVENLY FATHER; I am learning to live in His love and grace, not under the oppression of getting it right all the time.

There is real freedom in knowing that.

As always I defer to the Journey devotional for my inspiration (until I can just do this off the top of my head and from the scriptures hidden in my heart), entitled Draw Near.

“Our deepest understanding of who God is and what He’s like most often comes as a result of hard times – when we’ve been desperate and He has delivered. Think about how you came to know God.
Your hard time is the perfect opportunity for the light of His love and goodness to shine through. And take heart: In the midst of the mess, God is just waiting to reveal how deeply good He is.” (June, 2009)

Becoming transparent is one of those God things because you never really want to show how you feel inside. But in remembering that your struggle or triumph is a testimony to someone who may be going through the same thing you are.

In closing, I heard this song by CeCe Winans “Albaster Box” when I first returned to the church 9 years ago, it was my moment of transparency.

The room grew still/As she made her way to Jesus/She stumbles through the
tears/That made her blind/She felt such pain/Some spoke in anger/Heard folks
whisper/"There's no place here for her kind."/Still on she came/Through the
shame that flushed her face/Until at last she knelt before HIS feet/And though
she spoke no words/Everything she said was heard/As she poured her love for the
MASTER/From her box of Alabaster/And I've to come to pour/My praise on HIM like
oil/From Mary's Alabaster Box /Don't be angry if I wash HIS feet with my
tears/And I dry them with my hair/You weren't there the night HE found me/You
did not feel what I felt/When HE wrapped HIS love all around me/And you don't
know the cost/Of the oil in my Alabaster Box/I can't forget the way life used to
be/I was a prisoner to the sin that had me bound/And I spent my days/Poured my
life without measure/Into a little treasure box I thought I found/Until the day
when JESUS came to me/And healed my soul with the wonderOf HIS touch/So now I'm
giving back to HIM all the praise HE's worthy of/I've been forgiven and that's
why I love HIM so much

As I recall that service and how I sat with my hands folded in my lap and realized the wetness on my hands were the tears of shame, I cried and talked to my Jesus and those tears turned to tears of comfort as I felt His arms pick me up and cradle me.

There I was safe in His arms.

Footsteps...Footprints

Today (Sunday) started off in the wee hours of the morning and although things ended well, it was a bit scary. My nephew knocked on my door to say that my sister needed to take his little brother to the ER. Being that I was in a sleepy stupor; nothing registered at first. Then I heard all the yelling and saw the baby just hanging from sister’s hands. I grabbed my glasses, purse and keys and ran down the stairs calling 911.

The baby finally started breathing and crying as we waited for the ambulance to show up she said that she heard footsteps going back and forth upstairs (we live in the apt right above her) and she told my nephew to come upstairs and get whoever that was. We all were sleep; no one was walking around in our house. Except the One who watches over us, He was there. Normally, I don’t sleep in the living room and so it would have been very hard to hear someone knocking on our door from the master bedroom. I thank God that He knows our needs before we do and that He is there to carry us when are tired.

It reminded me of the poem:

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes
There were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish,
Sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so
I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,
That if I followed you, you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed during the most trying periods of
My life there has only been one set of footprints in the
Sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only
One set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

Author Mary Stevenson, 1936

Boys will be boys...

The devotional this morning was entitled, “The Cross” and it talked about the return of the prodigal son. I think back to when I had Rico at age 17 and how we grew up together and today we are finally in our perspective roles of mother and son instead of being mistaken for “brother and sister.” How I relish in being able to see him grow into a young man filled with God’s love and His compassion. In no way am I implying that I am God, but I am the mother of a Son and just like the Heavenly Father I want all the best for my children and hope that they will have a legacy to leave for their children.
As stated in the devotional, “no other created being gets to experience God at this level of intimacy like we do. No other of the beings God created get to experience the depth of His closeness and tenderness in times of heartache and desperation like we do. Out of all His creations, God chose us to know Him this deeply.”

As we all know God does not play favorites. One sin is no greater than another; therefore, all His children are also treated equally. Being the mother of two children, I am learning there really is no way to love one child more than the other; although, I may treat them differently (mostly due to the age gap) each one is no better than the other. Yesterday (Friday), I agreed to work the clean up after the week of VBS at our church and because my husband had a basketball tournament, Rico took his place as my helper. In order to save on gas, we stayed in Evans waiting for the event to be over. We shared burritos at Taco Bell and engaged in some casual conversation. I missed having this one on one time with him. He is growing up so fast and I worry that because I have so much going on that he will engage in activities that he shouldn’t due to peer pressure, wanting attention or just because he has nothing better to do. I try to make sure that I sit down with him and eat dinner or at least one meal a day to see what is going on in his life.
In one hour I don’t think I have laughed so hard in my life. He has the sweetest disposition and I am sure I am partial to this because he is my son. We reminisced about what we used to do and why I began working at the church, even his father and just a host of other questions that I gave him free rein to ask – just so he knew that I would always want to keep the lines of communication open.

Here are some of his jokes from back in the day that we conjured up:

From age 3
Rico: Knock knock
Me: Who’s there?
Rico: Orange
Me: Orange, who?
Rico: Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

From age 5
Rico: Why couldn’t the pirate children go see the movie?
Me: I don’t know why?
Rico: Because it was rated AWRrrrrrr!

From age 11
Rico: Knock knock
Me: Who’s there?
Rico: Car
Me: Car, who?
Rico: Car go BEEP BEEP!!

Okay, so he is a work in progress, but I laughed so hard!!

So in all fairness, I thank God for giving me my “Aha” moment with Rico. I have to remember that in reaching for the sky to give my kids the moon and the stars that I neglect to remember that all they want is ME. I am the mustard seed that God has placed in the life of my children (Mark 4:30-32) “Never despise the small things in your life. Never spend too much time reaching for the high-impact acts of ministry that you neglect the minute details of service. The massive doors of God’s kingdom swing on tiny hinges of our faith and obedience. Focus on the hinges, and you’ll see the doors open wide.” (Journey, June 2009)

Great Expectations...

I borrowed this title from none other than the Journey devotional…I was on my way into work today with no intention of gracing you with my witty thoughts or opinions, but then I opened the devotional to read what today had to offer and actually opened it to Wednesday’s page, Great Expectations, “love never ends” (1 Corinthians 13:8). Somehow I missed this one the other day. If this wasn’t a slap in the face to the events that unfolded yesterday when I got home, then I have definitely closed my spiritual ear to what God has to say to me. It started off with a woman discussing how her and husband had just celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary and how “despite our struggles, he’s the guy for me.” Now yesterday when I got home I was all ready to talk to my hubby about how I felt like for the first time in a long time we were ‘clicking’ and then before I even got out the car he was coming down the stairs with a bag on his shoulder and his earphones in his ears. ‘Where is he going,’ I thought? He walks up asks to borrow the car to go to basketball practice because his car has a flat tire. Now mind you, I realize now that my response may have seemed at bit selfish, but pride won’t let me back down now. Needless to say, he didn’t use my car and I have no idea how he arrived at practice, nor did I care. When I woke up this morning, I had no intention of speaking to him, just to let him know that I was still upset about our exchange the night before. Well, let me tell you, he just handed me some money for gas and told me to have a good day at work. Pride still swelled up inside me, I walked out the door without as much as a ‘thank you’.
Being the good Christian that I am, I rode into work listening to some worship music to help me start my day, (it had already started when I rolled over to cut off the alarm), and didn’t speed up to cut off someone trying to get by me. Nagging in the back of my head was my exchange, or lack of, with my husband.
To get to my point the devotion author sums it up very nicely, “Sometimes it’s hard to see past our spouse’s annoying habits and imperfections. When life gets hard, it’s easy to think that our expectations are not being met, that he’s not doing all he can to make life better for us. But God did not intend for any person to meet all our needs and expectations. Our God-shaped vacuum cannot be filled by anyone else; it can only be filled by God. So give your husband the freedom to love you, to be himself, and to be only who God intended him to be.”

So, with my tail tucked between my legs and my eyes lowered I need to set things right between us.

Thinking back to the song I was singing on my way in by Mandisa, “Broken Hallelujah”

With my love and my sadness
I come before You Lord
My heart’s in a thousand pieces
Maybe even more
Yet I trust in this moment
You’re with me somehow
And You’ve always been faithful
So Lord even now
When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah

Lamentations 3:21-23 “This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning:
Great IS THY FAITHFULNESS.”

Too be or not to be…is there really an answer??

Okay so I have to be delicate in how I say this…I am not a staunch Republican, nor am I a dedicated Democrat or a light-footed Liberal. I am more like Ms. America, I want peace and love and no child to go hungry in America, but my individual political ideas really don’t matter; although, it would make a good movie (Swing Vote w/ Kevin Costner).
So my point to saying all this was aroused by some emails that I have been getting forwarded to me that I feel are bordering on Obama bashing. One such email shows George W. Bush pigeon hunting, Ronald Reagan sport fishing and then Obama hanging a valance over a window. Now please don’t think because I am African American that I have a close-mind to humor and against whoever the MAN is. Yes, I thought it was a little funny, but for the purpose of my point, how many black males do you know that really hunt and if they do take their kids with them up on the deer stand to sit for hours at a time to shoot a deer between the eyes and then gut them; just for the sport of it? Hmmm…
Do I agree with some of his stances especially regarding abortion, stimulus bills, and religion? Being the society that we live, I pledge to invoke my 5th amendment right, not to self-incriminate. Seriously, think about this a little deeper with me if you will…the young African American generation starting right after the Baby Boomers have slowly been heading down a road of self-destruction. Yes, I said, SELF-DESTRUCTION!! Obama was raised by a single mother and his grandmother; I think he beat that nail pretty hard over the head during his campaign. He made choices that brought him to this narrow path that few follow that led to the White House. And he has learned a few things along the way.
Option A: Wake up at the crack of dawn, sit in a deer stand, kill a deer, and smile for the camera while holding on to the antlers.
Option B: Stay in bed where it is warm, dress in business casual attire, and then help the wife around the house so that at the end of the day you can crawl back into that same bed; rather than sleep on a hard couch.
I think Barack Obama knew exactly what he was doing.
As Christians we are taught at home and in our churches to stand out and up for Jesus Christ. Now I may be going a bit far trying to create this analogy, but to do things as they always have been done will get us the same results we have always gotten. (I don’t think those are my words, but it flows so nicely)
Here is a man who now has to represent the entire Black culture not just the American people. He is showing the young males of this country that you can be successful, honest, masculine, helpful, sincere, and passionate in your dreams and goals and in your relationships. He takes his wife on dates and drops his kids off at school and he hangs a few curtains here and there. I don’t recall any President doing that, maybe JFK?? I don’t believe that Obama has made some wise decisions, but I pray that he prays to the Alpha and Omega, the only I AM, the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords, just as I do that he will continue to strive to be in His image and sit still to listen to the quiet whispers of the wind that is the voice of God.
And all God’s people said…Amen!

Time does stand still

Okay so this morning, I was in no shape to get up and run. I didn’t get to bed until 1a – Accounting homework with formulas and such are not my forte. I thought about waiting to enlighten the world with my thoughts this evening so that at least I could say that I had a good workout, but something happened this morning that I felt was definitely God speaking to me.

Most mornings I get ready in my son’s bathroom as not to disturb my husband and daughter (who somehow every night finds her way into our bed), so this morning as I was sneaking back into the bedroom to grab an outfit, Keilana starts to stir. I quickly seek shelter in the bathroom and peek around the corner to see if she will lie back down. Of course, she doesn’t. She sees me out of the corner of her eye and proceeds to shimmy down the bed. Anyway, long story short, she follows me at I continue to get ready for work, mind you that I am still delusional because of the lack of sleep. She had less sleep than and I did, but somehow is bright-eyed and bushy tailed.

After getting dressed, I figure I have a few minutes just to sit and “chat” with her because she has been quite talkative the entire time. I sit down on the couch and pull her into my lap and just snuggled with me. Her little body fit so perfectly in my lap and her head lay in the crook of my arm. My thought was how she never is this still even when she is tired. How could I get up and leave her to go to work? So I just sat – my eyes on the clock, but my heart in a puddle. She looked up at me with those round hazel eyes and smile ever so sweetly and I continued just to sit and relish in the moment not caring if I were a few minutes late to work. She turned and twisted a bit and I thought how that moment was over in the blink of eye, but she just wanted to snuggle deeper and she kissed me with a twinkle in her eye. I glanced at the clock 7:41 and I sank deeper into the couch and pulled her closer. I had never felt so content in my life, how one little person that was created inside of me and also somehow makes me look outside of myself more often than not, knew at the moment that Mommy just needed to BE. No hustle or bustle; more of a quantum leap from life into a time warp of peace and stillness. We hugged, kissed and just looked at each other smiling and were satisfied that it was just us.

That was my AHA! God moment.

One of the devotionals was entitled “Wake-up Call”
Psalm 139:16 says, “All my days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began.” God knew I needed that time with Keilana not for her, but for me. I woke up in a sour mood, half the week is almost gone, my homework was submitted incomplete, and I was running late. As the Journey devotional reinterated: wake-up calls remind us who we are: we are not God, we are not sovereign, we are not going to live in these bodies forever. So when you get a wake-up call from God, realize who you are, Who loves you, and then give Him the glory for it!!
And now as I start my day at 8:45 drinking a cup of coffee and eating apple cinnamon muffins, I can put on my Happy Face…

Thank you, Jesus and Mommy loves you Keilana.

NOT a Resolution...

I am not sure if this will ever make it to a website or not, but here goes…
So I am trying to a have devotional time every day until it becomes more than a habit and I needed to catch up from when I was on vacation (left the Journey on my desk at work – that is where the majority of my life is spent) anyway, the title was,

“A Lost Art,” by Priscilla Shirer.

Here is an excerpt:

Deliberately listening for God’s voice seems to be a lost art. God wants us to seek His direction first. And that means carving out some time for stillness. We allow the Enemy to win a victory every time we let interruptions keeps us from listening to God.
I begin my quiet time, but then the phone rings and I answer. Satan cheers.
I wait until the end of the day to listen to God, but then find myself too tired to stretch my spiritual earlobes. Satan applauds.
Carving out time in our day to purposefully listen for God’s voice plugs us in so we can hear the Spirit whisper. Listening to Him is how His ways come to light and our understanding grows. When we take time to intentionally tune in, we will hear the living Word minister to us individually and personally. It’s a sure thing: If you listen, you will hear the voice that speaks eternally.

In saying all that, it was just an affirmation that God wants to be a part of my life and I need to acknowledge that He is who He says He is – omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient…He is ALL of EVERYTHING. Who am I to deny the Creator of all things?

On the same note, I am trying to jump start (or should I say “re” jump start) my half-marathon training. I used to use the time I ran in the morning to listen to praise and worship music or listen to nature wake up and thank God for his grace and mercy as I ran in the dawn of the morning. Right now I have to have accountability, so my godmother and I purposed to meet at the gym by 5a or 6a. She made it at 5a. I made a little after 6a. If felt good to get the heart rate up and to be able to slide into a size 10 after a long shower.

Maybe by the end of next week, I will be back outside running the asphalt…