In the midst of all that something else has occurred and it shouldn’t have taken something like a blog for me to realize it. I am praising the Lord and acknowledging His goodness, mercies and saving grace. His goodness comes in the form of my family – immediate and extended, work family and church family. And also those people that I just ‘pass’ through life with never really developing a relationship, but nonetheless we have an impact on each other in some form or fashion. His mercies are the things that are given to me though I don’t deserve them. His grace is shown by not punishing me for being disobedient, but continuing to bless me even in my selfishness.
To be honest, I haven’t been a regular attendant at church services and have felt that somehow I was letting down the Lord and all those that have been there for me. Dare I say I felt hypocritical? The forsaking of corporate fellowship can make a person a target for the enemy, but in my case it has made me a warrior for Christ. Not saying that I won’t get back on schedule, but in “doing all those ‘things’ for Christ”, I had forgotten just to BE IN CHRIST. If that makes any sense. I can’t remember a time that while I was attending regularly that I didn’t feel some sort of entitlement to His blessings and now that I am not among the masses, I am seeing that I don’t deserve anything, but that Lord is glad to bless me. I don’t have to EARN THE LOVE OF MY HEAVENLY FATHER; I am learning to live in His love and grace, not under the oppression of getting it right all the time.
There is real freedom in knowing that.
As always I defer to the Journey devotional for my inspiration (until I can just do this off the top of my head and from the scriptures hidden in my heart), entitled Draw Near.
“Our deepest understanding of who God is and what He’s like most often comes as a result of hard times – when we’ve been desperate and He has delivered. Think about how you came to know God.
Your hard time is the perfect opportunity for the light of His love and goodness to shine through. And take heart: In the midst of the mess, God is just waiting to reveal how deeply good He is.” (June, 2009)
Becoming transparent is one of those God things because you never really want to show how you feel inside. But in remembering that your struggle or triumph is a testimony to someone who may be going through the same thing you are.
In closing, I heard this song by CeCe Winans “Albaster Box” when I first returned to the church 9 years ago, it was my moment of transparency.
The room grew still/As she made her way to Jesus/She stumbles through the
tears/That made her blind/She felt such pain/Some spoke in anger/Heard folks
whisper/"There's no place here for her kind."/Still on she came/Through the
shame that flushed her face/Until at last she knelt before HIS feet/And though
she spoke no words/Everything she said was heard/As she poured her love for the
MASTER/From her box of Alabaster/And I've to come to pour/My praise on HIM like
oil/From Mary's Alabaster Box /Don't be angry if I wash HIS feet with my
tears/And I dry them with my hair/You weren't there the night HE found me/You
did not feel what I felt/When HE wrapped HIS love all around me/And you don't
know the cost/Of the oil in my Alabaster Box/I can't forget the way life used to
be/I was a prisoner to the sin that had me bound/And I spent my days/Poured my
life without measure/Into a little treasure box I thought I found/Until the day
when JESUS came to me/And healed my soul with the wonderOf HIS touch/So now I'm
giving back to HIM all the praise HE's worthy of/I've been forgiven and that's
why I love HIM so much
As I recall that service and how I sat with my hands folded in my lap and realized the wetness on my hands were the tears of shame, I cried and talked to my Jesus and those tears turned to tears of comfort as I felt His arms pick me up and cradle me.
There I was safe in His arms.
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