It's in the Vapors

I just laid Keilana down to sleep. She has croup, as with many childhood illnesses there is not certain why to figure out how she got it. She doesn't go to daycare, or nursery at church and for the most part doesn't travel in shopping carts touching unsantized areas. Due to my lack of knowledge in medicine, I am blessed to be surrounded by other mothers and nurses to who I can call upon in time like this.

I am constantly in awe of how each of my children have this special place in my heart that neither one can overshadow the other. As I was holding her in the bathroom with the hot shower on full blast and we just sat in the steam, I thought how my life has changed in 24 months. Many people say that they can't imagine their life before kids. I can't phathom what I would be doing if I hadn't of had Rico, but I can imagine what I would be doing if Keilana had not be born. Is it wrong? I don't know, I love her and I wouldn't change a thing now, but I had plans for Rico and I to travel and explore the world. For now it is put on hold, but now we have a bigger destiny and that is watch a little girl grow into a young lady and then a grown woman. We can provide her with unconditional love and support and even teasing and overbearing gestures.

Keilana will know that she is loved.

As I type and watch her sleep next to the Vicks Vapors Humidifier (that I robbed Peter the car insurance to purchase), I realize that there is nothing that I wouldn't do for her, nothing that I wouldn't sacrifice. Whether is is smooth edges due to the steam from sitting next to a hot shower, or 10 points for turning in homework late because she wants to lay on her mommy, or gas in my car because she has medical needs. For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him will not perish, but have everlasting life. (John 3:16) I am grateful that my Father put my needs before His own, knowing I needed salvation and guidance. I can truly understand My Father's love for me.

I am about to go in and check on my 1st baby and make sure he is not smothering himself under the covers and once I am satisfied that each is comfortable and snuggled in his or my bed, then I too will turn out the lights and go into my own dreamland.
I just had a thought that brought a smile to my face. Both of my children would go to sleep to this song as I stroked there hair...thank goodness they weren't twins...LOL

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky...
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are.


Goodnight, sweet dreams.

SNAP SNAP

I am definitely not a poet, but poetry is defined as an imaginative awareness of experience expressed through meaning, sound, and rhythmic language choices so as to evoke an emotional response. (www.contemporarylit.about.com)

I hurt
The tears are flowing freely
Make up is not waterproof
No expression – be strong
No warm feeling - look intently
Keep it on the surface
Proud and scared
In shock, in admiration
Missing
Loving
You

With Fresh Eyes

I am taking this straight from the Upper Room devotional…

I opened Grandma’s blinds to get more light into the room. She never remembered to open them. Since moving into the dementia-care unit, she had become more and more forgetful. I was sad to see her slipping away.
One day we sat at her table, putting together a child’s jigsaw puzzle. I had brought her flowers, and each time she looked up, she saw the flowers as if for the first time and asked me who brought them. When I saw her look up from the puzzle yet again, I got ready to quash my annoyance at the question I knew was coming. “Well, look what someone brought!” Grandma said with pleased surprise. Then she added, “What a beautiful day this is!”
I felt my breath catch in my throat. Grandma was remembering something I had forgotten: the beauty of what God has made. What I saw earlier as sad I now as amazing: a woman seeing things with fresh eyes, eyes that did not take for granted “the ordinary.” It was as if I suddenly sensed God’s abundance where I had expected only loss. Grandma gave me a glimpse of the God who dwells in those corners of life that we might call “empty,” the God who moves in darkness as well as in the light, blessing us all.
Prayer: Show us (me), O God, how to live in your light, even in the dark places. Amen.

My sister is leaving as I am writing this on her way to our birthplace in Maryland. I am deeply saddened by her departure, but in the deepest part of my heart I know she is free. And she told me she was how she felt relief and no more pressure. I guess that old adage – “you never know what you had until it is gone” is so true. I have never really had great relationships since the beginning of my life. As a parent I have learned to cultivate those with my children and be close to them and love on them every chance possible. So now that I am just getting used to this sisterly thing – it is gone. I know me probably being quite dramatic, but when you realize all the things that you miss out on when you don’t have relationships and then you get a taste of them; it is hard to let go.

I had a shoulder to cry on, a big sister to learn from, deep belly laughs and every once in awhile eyes that were in awe of me. I know those things aren’t gone, but they sure are a lot farther than the 13th Street bridge.
She looks so good and the inner strength that she knew was there has surfaced and she is so much stronger for herself and her kids.

~Dianne, I hope you can finally say that you are where you belong. I know the stars are in your favor – God lined them up just that way. I love you more than I could probably ever express (you know it is in the genes). Be safe and I will see you soon. Hugs! So I promise now to stop crying (well give me about 10 minutes) and be strong and hold down the fort here. For I know the plans that God has for you, to prosper you…Continue to look up, your head has been down too long!
LIVE…LAUGH…LOVE

A new place in my heart...

I don't know if I am allowed to do this, but I found some of the blog accounts of the 30 children who visited South Africa and became Global Ambassadors of their community through the outreach of the Journey for Change Program.

The tears that well up in my eyes from reading their posts is hard to control, not from sadness, but for the overwhelming feeling of knowing that these kids get it. I don't know what the lasting impact of this opportunity will be, but the possibilities are endless.

In reference to We Are All The Same by Jim Wooten, a known author who wrote a book inspired by Nkosi Johnson, a boy who died at the age of twelve and only weighed twenty pounds. He had the AIDS virus which he had from birth. His mom died when Nkosi was only two years old. He also had a lot going on in his life, and at age eleven he spoke at an International Conference on AIDS held in Durban, South Africa. Well, Nkosi as a young child impacted a person like me at age 14. That he inspired me to talk about him many years later after he passed is a great thing for me. Nkosi Johnson mentions that, “We are all human beings. We are normal… We can walk. We can talk. We have needs, just like everyone else… we are the same.” I also think that any child with AIDS should always live a healthy life and people in general should always: “Treat everyone the same as they would like to be treated.” That’s my favorite saying.- Latoya Massie, 14

Today was a very good day. First, we went to church, which was very inspirational. At first I was not happy about going to church, but then when I heard my favorite song I was as happy as ever. Then after a few songs it got boring. I think it’s because I don’t go to church so I don’t know what church is about.- Vandesha Walker, 12

I will be in college in five years studying culinary arts and business. In ten years, I will be running my own restaurant and starting a family hopefully living in the suburbs. I want four kids and to travel the world. I want to take my family to Hawaii. I will do an open kitchen at my restaurant every Friday night and people who are hungry can come and eat.
-Wayne Phillips, 15

As a Journey for Change Global Ambassador, it has been an honor to serve others globally and locally. My mom and dad always remind me that we are living for the sake of others. I have learned the true meaning of the word compassion. There are many people who perform acts of kindness to feel better about themselves or just to say that they have done a good deed for the day. That’s not compassion. We do acts of kindness because we see a need and want to see that the need is met. That is true compassion and I think that is what Journey for Change is all about. I am grateful for the opportunity to serve our brothers and sisters at home and abroad.
–Joshua Hall, 15

Hi my name is Mariah C Ralph. I am 13 years old. I’ve been doing community service since I was 6 years old. I encourage people to do community service because it gives you this feeling… I can’t explain it. When you do community service for so long it becomes a natural habit. It’s going on 8 years that I’ve been doing community service in Manhattan. I love the thought of helping people who really need it. The most exciting community service or global service was when I went to South Africa. When we went shopping for that family who didn’t have anything I felt so good. I felt even better when I saw the grandmother’s face when we gave her the stuff. The best type of community service is when you go to orphanages and you know they haven’t been held in a while. To hold them and feel them grasp back is outstandingly breathtaking. They call you mommy because they don’t know any better and when you put them down because you have to leave it’s heart breaking. So I encourage community service because there are people out there who need more than just the latest phone. There are people who actually don’t need the newest pair of sneakers, but need a pair of sneakers. After I came back from South Africa I realized that I don’t need anything besides a roof over my head for shelter, people who love me, and food and water to survive.
–Mariah Ralph, 13

“I liked cleaning up the neighborhood –- sweeping it and picking up the garbage. I liked that people appreciated our efforts. It helps to communicate to everyone around that we care about our own environment and lives.”
-Sydney Smart, 12

“I learned a lot in Washington, D.C. I mostly enjoyed touring the colleges. At Howard University, I learned that the Power Tower Clock is the highest point in D.C., not the Washington Monument. I also learned that the chapel there is where Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X first met. There we also met with the University President’s wife and had a tour guided by some of the students who attend Howard. At Georgetown University I found out that they can actually pay your tuition for you. They also have cannons that are the only weapons that can point at the White House.
While we were in Washington we also met Congresswomen Maxine Waters and saw the work place of Barack Obama when he was a Senator. Besides that we did things that people would normally do when they visit Washington, D.C. like going to monuments and museums. We also had an excellent driver, Al. He informed us about many sites in D.C. that most likely we wouldn’t have noticed or known if he hadn’t told us.”
-Dasia Carr, 12

Me...Black in America

Last night I left the television on to fall asleep, thinking CNN would do the trick; the broadcast was on Black in America: 2 hosted by Soledad O’Brien.

The first story was about Malaak Compton-Rock and her program Journey for Change. She selects 30 kids ages 12 to 16 (middle-school to high-school) from Bushwick, Brooklyn, NY and travels with them to Africa so that they can see how other parts of the world live and become global citizens. It was a very moving story – highlighting 3 of the thirty children all with different obstacles and each making choices or the lack thereof to become a more influential member in their own lives. I cried as I watched and listened to their stories, as I saw the “homes” of the African people and my heart went out to the children who wanted to do some much for the families that had so little. I smiled at the young lady who became a voice for those who couldn’t speak and for the young man whose confidence was brought to new heights in a matter of days. And for the young man who has yet to understand his full potential my prayers are with him.

The second story highlighted a principal, Steve Perry, Hartford, Connecticut, who started a magnet school to ensure that one hundred percent of the students went on to attend college. He discussed the low parent involvement and how if he and the teachers didn’t show many times no one showed up for the kids. I cried and rejoiced with the young lady who was accepted to three different colleges after the emotional and personal rollercoaster her life had taken.

I didn’t grow up in the ghetto, we lived below the poverty line, but for most part we didn’t go to bed hungry and we had clothes to wear, nevertheless I felt emptiness as I was drawn into the broadcast. I didn’t participate in many extracurricular activities, I didn’t volunteer in my community, I didn’t know of anything that was going on outside of my “bubble.” I don’t like politics and prefer to immerse myself in a fictitious world when I can relax and unwind. I realized that I was raising my son to be the same way. I read in the paper about adolescents achieving awards and doing great acts of community service and wonder how did they get involved? I realized it was my responsibility to expose my children to things that I wasn’t exposed to. To broaden their horizons and let them know to reach for the farthest star because it is possible to grasp – the result – YOU ARE A SHOOTING STAR that someone can coming along and wish upon. As for my personal aspirations, I am thinking what I really want to be when I grow up; my legacy is not just left to my children, but to many people in the society who I can make an impact upon, just one small act at a time.

Hopefully, this is not just a phase and I can start by directing Rico’s path as he is reaching a milestone in his life and that Keilana will see this at a very young age and it become ingrained in her as she grows.

I am now seeing God’s vision for this world He created.

Lord, my heart is not proud,
Nor are my eyes haughty.
I do not pursue great things,
Nor matters too lofty for me.
Rather I have stilled my soul,
Calmed it like a hushed child.
Like a child in a mother’s arms,
So is my soul within me.
…from Psalm 131

WHY, WHY, WHY???

I haven't been feeling my perky self...well, if you know me, I am normally not perky, but at least cordial and have a radiant smile. *wink
I have had a lot of situations in which I could have posted on here, but time has never been on my side as of late.

Here is an email of questions as to why? that made me chuckle a little...hope it does more for you.

• Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
  
• Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
  
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
  
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
  
• Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
  
• Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  
• Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
  
• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
  
• Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
  
• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
  
• Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
  
• Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
  
• Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
  
• How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
  
• When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
  
• Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
  
• In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
  
• How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
  

And my FAVORITE.......

• The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you..I KNOW IT IS ME!! lmbo!

****A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!****

No Title

I am very sad. My big sister, with whom I am just getting in a sisterly relationship, is making a wonderful decision to take control of her life, but I am sad. I am an emotional person, but I don’t like to show them in front of many people. I felt the pain rising in my heart and didn’t want to let the tears fall as she spoke about how she needed a change for herself and her kids. How I wished I had the guts that it takes to uproot from what you know, but knowing that the outcome far outweighs the alternative. I could hear the confidence in her voice as she talked about her plans and even in all of that she asked ME what I thought. She talked about how she is so proud of me for finishing and succeeding, but have I succeeded? I have achieved many great things, but SUCCESS I have yet to obtain. It has nothing to do with money or acclamations, more of a peace within that I know I am right where I am supposed to be. And maybe no one really obtains that feeling, but often than not, there are no regrets. I have regrets. I live in fear of the unknown and don’t want to step out to see if that ‘unknown’ thing could be just the thing I need to put me on the path that I am so sure I have strayed away from. I know God’s plan is always revealed, but never in the way that He intended, nor in the time frame He created, but after many loops, u-turns and uphill battles from the decisions we make – thinking they are for the best.

But this blog is not about me, it is about my oldest sister, who has taught me so many great things since we have recaptured our time together.

• A sister’s love is unconditional.


• It never hurts to smile and say good morning.


• Saying I love you is very important!


• Crying is ok.


• Ask for help.


• If your boyfriend/man is too good to be true, I will follow him for you.


• Some relationships will never be what you want, it is okay to let go.


• You may stumble and fall, but I will be there to sit next to you and pick you up when you are ready.


• Don’t lose yourself.


• Blood really is thicker than water – family ties are arteries of the heart – they are still there after we are gone.

Gosh, I am going to miss her! But I have never been past the Mason Dixon line. And I know her time has come to be happy and prosperous.
Okay so the tears are coming…gotta go!

I LOVE YOU, BIG SIS!! I AM SO VERY PROUD AND IN AWE OF YOU!!! *MUAH

My birthday 2006.

Cancerous...Remission...Totally Healing

I see a new day…a new moment…a new choice…a new thought…a new creation…a new opportunity…God sees me and loves me so much!(Thanks, Angie-FB)

So today I am not feeling so hot and it just goes to show you how fickle humans can be. Yesterday I seemed to be on “cloud Heaven” and presently I have let the Enemy steal my joy. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say this is my thorn and it is twisted a little bit and the wound has reopened. What I thought I had laid at the feet of Jesus, I had unconsciously picked it up and slipped it back into my knapsack of baggage that keeps “the monkey on my back.”
I received a new devotional from a very good friend called The Upper Room and today’s message was entitled, ‘What we need,’ how so very appropriate for just a time as this.
*heavy sigh
As I sit here writing this I think that my issue is far smaller than the things of this world such as the death of Pop Icon Michael Jackson (and in this I mean the loss of a child for the parents), the very public marital issues of SC Gov. Sanford and even more local issues of death at church and among friends, yet in still God sees it and it is very important to Him. And for that I am grateful.
No matter how prepared I think I am for a situation or how far I think I have overcome, I am learning somehow sadness will always invade my life even in my happiest moments. Learning to pray and truly give it over to the Lord needs to be my response because each and every time He already knows my need and how it will be used to for His edification. The devotional reminded me that God places people in our lives that are unfortunately going through a hard situation, but exhibit their faith and live joyfully, that the Word of God has stories to be used for inspiration and that family and friends are there to pray me through.
As the lady in the story, I pray for my deepest desire: a supernatural intervention in the life of a loved one. Instead He is showing me that it is my spirit that needs healing, doubt and fear need to be replaced with trust and peace.

Thought for the Day

“Whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.” (Romans 14:8)